The Art of Listening

Much poor listening consists of waiting for a gap into which a reply already prepared may be inserted.

In my time conversational etiquette prized a measured response. A brief pause after another person finished was not treated as awkward; it showed, without announcement, that the words had received a moment’s thought.

One breath, or roughly three seconds, is usually enough. At first the interval may feel long, and may reveal that you were rehearsing rather than listening; this discovery is useful, because it allows the planned reply to be abandoned in favour of what was actually said.

A person who pauses before replying is often thought more considered than one who answers instantly, largely because he has done the harder work of setting aside his own thought long enough to receive somebody else’s.

You will be rewarded for this practice. People will tell you more than they tell others because they sense, correctly, that you are receiving what they offer. They will trust you sooner, confide more readily, and forgive your occasional bluntness with generosity withheld from those who never pause at all.

In a conversation of consequence, make the pause deliberate until it becomes natural. The exact count matters less than leaving some distance between hearing and responding.