The Apology

An apology is addressed to the person who has been inconvenienced or hurt, and ought therefore to concern itself chiefly with that person’s position. The discomfort experienced by the writer may be perfectly genuine, but it does not become more useful by occupying the greater part of the letter.

Method

State the act plainly: “I am sorry I spoke about that matter in front of your colleagues.” Avoid the fog produced by “whatever happened” and “if anyone was upset.”

Acknowledge the effect in the other person’s terms. You embarrassed them, cost them time, broke an agreement, or placed them in an awkward position. Guess modestly when the full effect is unknown, and leave room to be corrected.

Offer the repair, whether that means replacing what was damaged, correcting an account, meeting an expense, or changing the arrangement which permitted the fault. Having done so, allow the other person time to answer. He may accept at once, reply later, or remain angry for a while, and the apology gives its writer no authority over that timetable.

Choose the same degree of privacy as the offence, unless the harm was public. A public falsehood usually requires a public correction. More personal failures are better handled by speech or a private note than by a performance before spectators.

Common errors

The words “I am sorry you felt that way” place the fault in the listener’s feelings and are unlikely to improve them. A long explanation of good intentions has much the same effect, since it asks the injured person to reconsider the offender before his own injury has been acknowledged; repeated messages seeking forgiveness eventually turn remorse into another demand upon him.