De-escalating a Situation

A confrontation is best managed by reducing its temperature before either party has acquired an audience or a point of honour.

Situations escalate because someone decides, usually without thinking, that being right matters more than being calm. A remark becomes an insult; an insult demands a response; the response provokes a louder response. Within thirty seconds, two adults are behaving in a manner that would embarrass them both if they could see themselves from across the room, which, mercifully, they cannot.

The other person’s conduct remains beyond your control, which leaves your own pace, voice, and posture as the available instruments.

One should be clear about something: self-command is a practised skill. In my era, it was taught explicitly. The manuals of conduct were quite direct on the point, noting that self-control in excitement always made for the comfort of oneself and of others, and often for safety. Men were trained in restraint the way they were trained in penmanship or arithmetic, through repetition and correction, until the habit was so thoroughly established that it appeared effortless. If you find that your first instinct in a confrontation is to match the other person’s anger, that is a failing of practice, and practice is something you can remedy.

Begin by lowering the voice slightly below the other person’s, though not to a theatrical whisper. Volume is contagious, and a quieter answer invites the listener either to match it or become conspicuous in his loudness.

Slow the pace as well. Urgency feeds conflict, while a brief interval before replying allows the answer to sound considered rather than reflexive.

Before disagreeing, acknowledge what has been heard: “I understand why you see it that way.” This concedes no point of substance, but removes the additional grievance of being dismissed, which often sustains anger after the original subject has grown obscure.

Avoid mirroring the agitation. Keep the hands visible, the posture open, and gestures modest; crossed arms, clenched fists, and an aggressive step forward can contradict every conciliatory word being spoken.

Offer an exit which permits both parties to pause without loss of face: “Let us take a minute,” or “I would like us to sort this out properly.” Many people wish to step back but cannot discover a graceful way of doing so while angry.

If the other person is intoxicated, determined to fight, threatening, armed, or behaving in a way which suggests danger, stop trying to repair the conversation. Leave as soon as it is safe, draw the attention of others, and call emergency services where necessary. No argument conducted in a car park at midnight is improved by remaining to defend one’s pride.