Public Bathroom Emergencies

Digestive urgency eventually overtakes most people in a place they would not have selected, at which point a little practical forethought is more valuable than embarrassment.

Locate a facility before the matter becomes desperate. Hotels and department stores are generally reliable; coffee-houses may expect a purchase, though in a genuine emergency one may reasonably enter first and settle the social obligation afterwards. Chain restaurants are useful chiefly because their facilities are easy to find.

Upon arrival, check the paper and the lock before committing yourself. This is elementary reconnaissance rather than overcaution, as an empty dispenser discovered afterwards creates a problem whose possible solutions are all undignified.

If paper is absent, tissues or paper seat covers may answer. In the most desperate circumstances an article of underclothing can be sacrificed; there is little nobility in the expedient, but considerable practical value.

Manage the acoustics where possible with a courtesy flush during the proceedings. Other occupants understand the nature of the room without requiring every detail.

Wash the hands thoroughly with soap, dry them, and leave in the ordinary manner. The episode requires neither an announcement nor the elaborate expression of innocence which generally announces more than it conceals.