De-escalating a Situation

The man who wins a confrontation without raising his voice has won twice.

Situations escalate because someone decides, usually without thinking, that they would rather be right than calm. A remark is taken as an insult; an insult demands a response; the response provokes a louder response. Within thirty seconds, two adults are behaving in a manner that would embarrass them both if they could see themselves from across the room, which, mercifully, they cannot.

You cannot control the other person. You can control yourself. That is the entire strategy, and it is sufficient.

I should be clear about something: self-command is not a natural virtue. It is a practised skill. In my era, it was taught explicitly. The manuals of conduct were quite direct on the point, noting that self-control in excitement always made for the comfort of oneself and of others, and often for safety. Men were trained in restraint the way they were trained in penmanship or arithmetic, through repetition and correction, until the habit was so thoroughly established that it appeared effortless. It was not effortless. It was simply well rehearsed. If you find that your first instinct in a confrontation is to match the other person’s anger, that is not a failing of character. It is a failing of practice, and practice is something you can remedy.

First: lower your voice. Not to a whisper, which is theatrical, but simply to a volume slightly below the other person’s. This is counterintuitive, which is precisely why it works, for volume is contagious, and a quiet voice forces the listener either to match it or to feel conspicuous in his loudness.

Second: slow down. Speak at half the pace your instinct suggests. Urgency feeds conflict; a man who responds slowly appears considered, whereas a man who responds instantly appears reactive.

Third: acknowledge before you disagree. “I understand why you would see it that way” is not surrender; it is a bridge. It tells the other person that he has been heard, which is usually what he wanted in the first place. Most anger is not about the subject at hand but about the feeling of being dismissed, and a man who grasps this distinction has already gained the advantage.

Fourth: do not match the energy. If they are standing, do not stand more aggressively. If they are pointing, do not point back. Keep your hands visible and still, your posture open, with no crossed arms, no clenched fists, and no gestures that could be read as confrontational. Your body is speaking as loudly as your words, and it must say something different from what the other person’s body is saying.

Fifth: offer an exit. People escalate because they feel trapped, and if you give them a way to step back without losing face, most will take it. “Let us take a minute” or “I would rather we sorted this out properly” gives permission to pause, and most people, contrary to appearances, want to de-escalate; they simply do not know how to do so without appearing to have backed down.

If the situation cannot be resolved, if the other person is determined to fight, is intoxicated, or is behaving in a way that suggests genuine danger, leave. Walk away. This is not cowardice but rather the recognition that your safety is worth more than your pride, and that no argument conducted in a car park at midnight has ever concluded with both parties feeling better about themselves.