Preface

I shall say this once, because I do not intend to repeat myself throughout the guide, and because the alternative, which is to pretend that nothing has changed, would be dishonest, and dishonesty is a quality I have never found useful in a servant or a publication.

The world in which I learned my profession no longer exists. The houses are gone, or converted into things I prefer not to describe. The families are scattered. The standards I was trained to uphold are, in many quarters, not merely forgotten but actively regarded as quaint, a word that has never, in any era, been intended as a compliment.

I am aware of this. I have had, as they say, time to adjust.

Some adjustments I have made willingly. The rigid formality of address that governed every interaction in my day was, I can now admit, occasionally absurd. A man should not require three titles and a letter of introduction merely to borrow the salt. The modern habit of using first names, while it still produces in me a faint and involuntary wince, is not the catastrophe I once believed it to be. People speak to one another more easily now. This is not nothing.

The democratisation of dress I have come to accept, if not to admire. A gentleman in my era could be identified at forty paces by his collar, his cuffs, and the cut of his coat. Today, a man of considerable means may dress indistinguishably from one of no means whatsoever, and both appear to have been recently tumbled in a machine. I do not love this. But I understand that clothing has become a matter of personal expression rather than social signal, and I have made my peace with it, provided the clothes are clean, fit properly, and do not feature slogans.

The changing expectations around courtesy between the sexes I regard as largely correct, and I say this without the reluctance you might expect. In my day, a gentleman opened every door, stood at every arrival, and offered his arm as though women were structurally incapable of navigating a kerb. The intention was respect. The effect, I can now see, was something closer to curation. A gentleman of this era pays attention to what the person before him actually needs, rather than performing a rehearsed set of gestures without regard for context. This is an improvement. I do not say so lightly.

Other changes I have found more difficult.

The telephone, or rather the device you call a telephone but use for everything except telephoning, I regard with a hostility that has not diminished with exposure. It is not the technology to which I object. It is what the technology has done to attention. A man who cannot sit through a meal without consulting a screen is not a man in full possession of his evening. He has rented himself out to whatever arrives next, and the people at his table know it.

The disappearance of silence I find genuinely grievous. Every room now has a noise. Every journey has a soundtrack. Every pause is filled before it has had the chance to be useful. Silence was where a man collected himself; it was where he noticed things. Its absence has not made your era more productive. It has made it more frantic, which is not the same thing at all.

The decline of handwriting, of punctuality, of the ability to sit in a chair without looking as though one has been poured into it: these I note without commentary, because the commentary would be longer than the guide itself.

But I did not undertake this project to mourn what has passed. I undertook it because certain things have not changed and will not change, regardless of the era. A man still needs to know how to present himself. He still needs to manage his home, his health, his money, and his conduct in the company of others. The specific advice may differ, for I no longer need to instruct anyone on the correct form of address for a bishop's wife, but the underlying principle is the same: take care of yourself, take care of your surroundings, and take care not to make the people around you wish you were not there.

Where my standards have adapted, I have said so honestly. Where they have not, I have said that honestly too. You will know which is which. I have not tried to disguise my displeasure, because disguising displeasure has never been among my talents, and I see no reason to develop new ones at this stage.

Crale